Marriage

How to Fight ‘Fair’ With Your Spouse

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Regardless of whether you have been married
for 1 year, or 50.
Every. Single. Couple. Argues.

It is not a failure, but a fact of life.

Remember:
Nothing on Earth Blooms 365 Days a year


Being married is one of the most rewarding things one can experience.
But that is not to say that it comes easy.
Every marriage will be plagued with it’s individual up’s and down’s
But it is how we maneuver our way through, and overcome, the obstacles
that are the building blocks of our marriages.

I am not embarrassed to say that I am 100% truly, head-over-heels, crazy in love with my Husband!
From the day we met it was clear as day that he is my other half. I had never met
anyone who thought the exact same things I did. We we’re so alike it was scary!
Im sure it was because of our intense similarities, that we didn’t have our first hint
of an argument until a year into our relationship.
(Not until we had begun planning our Wedding 😛 )
Of course we have had our fair share of fights since then, but we always make it a point to
Fight Fair.

Below is our list of 10 Rules for Fighting Fair.
These rules help my Hubby and I resolve our issues while staying on point, and
maintaining our love and respect for each other. Even when emotions run high.
I Highly encourage you to read this list over with your spouse, and
come up with your own list of Rules for Fighting Fair.

10 Rules for Fighting Fair

 

  1. No Fighting in Public

    Theres nothing more tasteless than airing your dirty laundry in public.

    Fighting in public only creates a scene, turning the focus on ‘winning’ the fight, rather than finding a resolution for a problem.

    If an inciting incident occurs while you are out, try to wait until you get home to talk with your spouse about it.
    This will also give you a slight cool-down period, helping to avoid any emotional over-reactions.

  2. Avoid Fighting via. Text or Over the Phone

    Texting is the Worst Possible Catalyst for Misinterpretation!

    If there is something you want to discuss with your spouse, do not try to have the discussion any other way than face-to-face (if at all possible).

    One misinterpreted text too easily snowballs into a full blown Level 5 Fight (Common.. I Know you’ve been there too)

    Having a conversation with your spouse face-to-face, allows for a more intimate connection.

    You are not only relying on their words to understand what they are trying to convey, but also their tone of voice, body language, facial expression, attitude etc.

  3. Don’t Let Issues Build Up

    This is a key point in our list.

    It doesn’t matter whether it is big or small, if one of us has an issue, we bring it up right away.

    The worst thing you can do is let all your issues build up, and build up, and build up, until you BLOW UP and unload 22 issues on them at once.

    Not only will this make your spouse feel attacked, it will put them in a defensive mood and make it very unlikely that Any of your issues will be resolved.

    By bringing them up as they come along, it allows you to sit down and fully resolve the problem at hand, making it far more unlikely to occur in the future.

  4. Don’t go to Bed Angry

    I am sure you and your spouse have gotten this advice on multiple occasions,
    And thats because It’s Great Advice!

    Going to bed angry only confirms that no resolution was found, and carries the fight over until the next day (or the next few).

    The most important thing to remember about arguing with your Spouse, is that that the focus should be on acknowledging what your partner is trying to communicate to you, and finding a happy resolution.

    If it is 1am, and you are still arguing, half-incoherently from sleep-depravation ,
    Do yourselves a favour, and get some sleep.

    Not every fight in the world can be resolved in one session, or one night.
    Exhaustion leads us all to say and do things we wouldn’t have otherwise.

    If this is ever the case for you, Please do not feel like a failure.

    Just do yourself and your marriage a favour, and get some sleep, and discuss it again the next day with clearer heads.
    I would recommend not waiting longer than 24 hours to bring up the conversation again

  5. Avoid Raised Voices

    Raising your voice does not increase the the understanding of your partner.

    Raising your voice, saying deliberately hurtful things, or profanity only work against you when trying to communicate with your spouse.

    They only serve to escalate the situation and often come from a place of frustration for not being understood.

    When arguments begin to get out of control, it is important to diffuse the situation and get it back on track. Remember, Ideally you only want to have this conversation once.

    “Please Say that more Gently”
    “We are getting off track”
    “Just take a breath. I am trying to understand the best I can”

  6. Don’t React. Respond.

    It is extremely easy to get caught up into the moment of a fight when emotions are high.

    Always try to enter into a conversation with your Spouse with a Level Head.
    Wait until the two of you can be alone, to give the situation your full attention, and avoid any distractions.

    Remember that when your partner is bringing up an issue with you, that they are not doing it to blame you, or point out your failures, but because they want to strengthen their bond with you.

    Avoid the knee-jerk reaction to get defensive, and instead remember that it takes vulnerability to be completely open and honest with your partner.

    That they trust you enough to bring this to your attention, and have faith that the two of you will work through it, and be stronger for it.

    Focus on truly listening to what they are trying to communicate with you.

  7. Avoid Absolutes

    Avoid saying phrases like “You Always..” or “You Never..”

    This will often cause your partner to become instantly defensive, by implying that it has been an ongoing issue.

    Absolute statements only serve to escalate the argument and should be avoided at all costs.

    Even though it is on our list, in the heat of the moment, both my hubby and I have used them, but when we do, the other just reminds us that it’s on our list and we rephrase.

  8. Don’t Vent to Others About the Fight

    ESPECIALLY Before it is Resolved!
    This includes your mom, best friend, and social media.

    There is a confidentiality in Marriage that must be respected.
    I firmly believe that you should never talk ill of your spouse or relationship to anyone at anytime.
    And for us, that included venting about our personal issues to others and social media.

    If there was something we had to say, we should be saying it to one another and working through it. Simple as that.

    Remember that there are only two people in your Marriage.

  9. We’re On the Same Team

    A conversation can quickly turn into an argument, which can quickly escalate into
    You Vs. Your Spouse

    Unfortunately there are times that we let our partner down, or cause them hurt.
    When we are confronted with this, it is easy to get defensive because you would never intentionally cause your spouse pain.

    When your partner tells you that you have hurt them,
    you aren’t allowed to say that you didn’t. Or that they shouldn’t be hurt, or feel the way they feel.

    Listen to what they are telling you,
    Yes it may feel terrible to know you’ve hurt them, but turn your attention to asking forgiveness and finding a way to ensure it will never happen again.

    During these times, it is important to focus on the fact that you are on the same team!

    It is the two of you against the world
    And by having these conversations, you are strengthening the bond between you.
    So that as a team you are stronger, and can go tackle life together!

    Build each other up, don’t break each other down.

  10.  Always Seek a Resolution

    During your “fights” remember that the goal is to have a respectful, honest conversation about resolving an issue.

    Thats it.

    You should not be focusing on placing blame, or trying to make your partner feel as bad as they made you feel. No matter how easy it may be.

    Don’t say anything you don’t mean.

    We have to make the conscious decision to rise above hurt and anger to find love and strength.


Do you and your spouse have your own
Rules for Fighting Fair?

Or any Tips and Advice on
dealing with marital fighting
Leave them in the comments below!


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